#NONE OF MY PARTNERS ARE AROUND!!!!
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Sigh. I miss kissing people. What the hell
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I know it’s been talked about ad nauseam, but I think one of the things that got lost in the discourse about TTPD and the muses and whatnot is how one of, if not the core trigger points of the album is the yearning for commitment and perhaps even more poignantly, motherhood.
The reason she was so susceptible to falling for the “conman’s get love quick schemes” is because she was grieving that imagined life with the person she had long assumed would be the one to give her that. What has been beyond clear in several albums, let alone interviews etc, is that those plans for building a family were very much real and top of mind for years, and she kept holding on and shifting her world in service of making that happen. And when whatever happened happened that pulled that rug out from under her, it left her bereft not just for the relationship that had once been her world but also the imagined family she had been hoping for and sticking out the hard times for.
And that’s likely why she was swayed by and trusting of the promises of someone who knew her history and knew how unmooring that loss was to her. It may have been partially about the person himself or lust or whatever, but the core issue was the pain of giving up the dream, and sublimating that dream into this new opportunity in front of her, because she was so desperate to hold onto the last scraps of that imagined life she wanted so badly. (And I don’t mean desperate as in pathetic or negative, I mean as in fighting within the last ounce of energy and hope she had.) It wasn’t rational and it wasn’t love, it was grief, not just for a relationship but even more so for the family it represented.
So to me the core issue of TTPD isn’t just the Joe vs. Matty or whoever of it all: it’s Taylor and her yearning. She wanted a family badly and a life that was theirs and was processing losing that in all kinds of ways. It’s all over the album in overt and subtle lyrics. It may not have been grieving a literal death but I’d bet it felt pretty darn close.
And I’d also bet that’s why we’re seeing… what we’re seeing now.
(I have so many more thoughts about womanhood and motherhood on TTPD but that is another post being worked on piecemeal in my drafts… this is just a little Saturday morning post-zoomies reflection)
#I’m trying to be delicate about all this on main#if you catch my drift#obviously I don’t know any of these people#I’m just using my ears with the music and my eyeballs on the screen#honestly think she’d almost gotten to the point where she would have given up almost anything#(including marriage)#if it meant having kids and a commitment#let alone all the career stuff she was willing to let slide#but in the end none of that mattered#writing letters addressed to the fire#the tortured poets department#and like..#this is also why she was so clear minded about what she wanted in a partner when she started dating killa#and not as in opportunist but as in she knew what she wouldn’t compromise on anymore#and luckily for her he was on the same page#and tbh why this isn’t all that fast#ugh I wish my brain would let me finish the other post I was working on#like I know we’ve kind of been dancing around this in recent years in discussion#even if we all had our own assumptions#but she kind of ripped the bandaid off in ttpd#and with ~everything~ now happening#I think it’s ok to talk about? respectfully? lol
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Just discovered the term les4les. Are we really trying to make biphobia cool again
#it was on a blog with sapphic in the username too 🙃 but les4les in their about and tagged on every one of their posts#like you realize sapphic includes bisexual women right?#went to the tag just to make sure i wasnt insane and half the posts were also tagged with wlw#like you realize that ALSO includes bisexual women right??#some dumbass was like 'the discourse around les4les is insane how come we cant say that but bisexuals can talk about#how they wont ever date women' like ??? where are all these mythical bisexual women who hate dating women#someone else was bragging about being gold star#what the hell is happening. is this 2014? we're returning to 'women who date/have dated men are tainted by them' discourse#but this time asking people to pretend its not hateful#and also reappropriating all the terms we created specifically to build community between lesbians and bi/pan women?#(bc of course none of them even acknowledged the existence of pansexuality as a label either)#first blog was also like 'i need butch mutuals 🥺 why do no butches follow me 🥺'#well idk about any other butches but IM not going to follow anyone whos biphobic to my friends and partners#and as someone who identified as 'old fashioned' they should EXPECT me to protect my femmes anyway right?#anyway. probably shouldnt even bother posting this but that was such a stupid thing to wake up to#rambling
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New OCs
(briefly, humans and supernatural beings have to team up for building better relations with each other and all the supernaturals can shapeshift and take on human appearances but also have their 'original form'.)
OK so I was GOING to draw fanart today - I had a fun idea and everything! But health anxiety (and anti-anxiety meds) wore me out so I kinda .... slogged through OCs as a treat to me. I am going to go to the doctor tomorrow so HOPEFULLY it's all okay.
#my characters#also kite is the worst socially and says things he thinks are surely fitting for a human conversation#but ends up insulting grady with 99% of the comments and that makes grady not fond of him#but then grady is like super pleasant to others and doesnt know how to act around kite and flubs a lot too#its a disaster and the twins are like oh no this is painful#mr tengu that was so tacky you cant say that to a human#mr tengu you cant DO that to a human STOP BEING LIKE THIS#while callum is just like wow this is hilarious thanks for bothering my younger brother its adding character to his life#and kite is stressed because thats the least encouraging thing to hear ever thank you v much hes TRYING to adapt#but also kite isnt his real name and he doesnt know squat about humans BUT he knows they have the internet#and so hes like well the problem is i dont want to actually say my name to you all because what if i am Online (TM)#and so he asks for a new name and then is like he should name me - the tiny one who wants to kick my ass should name me#so grady is like ....... nooooo...... dont............ and then suggests kite bc he's done google research#and kite is a type of bird and according to wikipedia has some familiarity to tengu so therefore yeah#and kite is like !!!!!! DOES HE ! KNOW THINGS ! and happily accepts the slightly researched name while the other humans#are like grady stop that is bullying the poor guy leave him alone pick a normal name!#anyway not drawn yet but there is a human guy partner for the twins and he immediately is like perfect#i know which is which lets go out and explore the human world for your research#and they dont understand how he knows them apart so fast and none of the other humans seem to tell em apart#but then none of the humans are shocked at the guy who knows so the girls are like sir howst do you know#and hes just v casual oh right yeah younger identical twin sisters - i have Practice ! and they are endeared to him haha#anyway if you read all those tags ty#and yes in his tengu form he does actually have the long nose please do not be mad#i just dont draw noses normally and im too tired to practice rn so#i only drew the second one today anyway - the first pic was done a couple days ago but i didnt wanna post on main#but then here i am posting on main#im sorry
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Inktober Sharktober !! day 1-2? this list skips a day inbetween [verry nice] Fairytale Shark !!
#inktober#this one is ! from another list [will probably jump around hee]#sharktober#sharktober2023#it's verry cute ! my partner showed me it :)#I don't know how to draw sharks well. but this one was promted as like. fairytale shark. so it's not too bad if it isn't completely accurat#right?#object show community#osc#that is !! lampy ! one of my faverites.#or well. he was. cus I made her first. but wahhh I love them all so so much now I am so normal about lampy cus I'm insane about everyone#to an abnormal degree. and if everyone is special ! I guess I'm obsessed with none of them ahaaa#I'm still working on asks by the way I'm just busy. w/ inktober and making a bunnnncha ref sheets for the guys#aunos#aunos lampy#[as of yet unnamed object show]#jbird's art
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after having played Mouthwashing, holy shit none of you can be normal about how all of the men in that game are assholes for not a single one of them doing a thing about Jimmy LMFAO
#i see why i waited so long to play it and played it w my partner#wow that dredged up some shit memories of exactly what happens irl#men around rapists make excuses for other men when they say nothing because complacency is the same as lying down and allowing it to happen#but none of yall are ready for that conversation im sure#mutuals can dm me about the game for chatties#atlas speaks
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Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday and we spent an hour discussing what I was doing with my life 😭
#my uncle wants me to go get a PhD in quant or finance or information systems and then become a professor#OR#be a lawyer or a dentist#the PhD thing was very specifically catered when I was like 👉🏽👈🏽 I wanna teach#none of those things sound all that appealing..#space law Has Potential#but I think it would make me want to rip my hair out#they were both like. you have two years but then figure your life out by then#and then they were like. what is ur cousin doing. has he proposed yet#and I was like ??? it hasn’t even bee n a year?? I think they’re going to Japan#and oopsies apparently he had not told them they were going to Japan#my bad#after I. very reasonably said it makes sense to wait 2-3 years#he went ‘what is there going to be left to talk about then. life is all downhill from there. might as well get married now’#and. I’ve never ever ever heard that from a human being before#WHAT DO U MEAN YOULL RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT#I could never#anyways love having my existential crises exacerbated by familial interactions#they just Say Things#I need to study. I’m gonna go do that maybe#actually no I want to complain more. my uncle keeps saying that the problem with space is that there’s only a few cities that work on it.#and that’s gonna limit my choice of partner#(so funny how they say partner. they are very homophobic and have no idea or they’d go THE MAN YOU MARRY like my mother does)#I feel like space is growing…#altho I’m sure that’s what people thought in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s#idk some of these bitches have been around since like the 70s and 80s and 90s#so it’s not like they all got fired immediately#my dental hygienist was telling me space was great until Obama slashed the budget#I didn’t have anything to say back considering I was 8 when he was elected and know v little about his policies#anyways. this is a psa to not call ur relatives even to wish them happy bday because then they’ll trap u in conversation and make u question
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Once again, my favorite part of my job is pissing off my medic and ruining their day lmao
#not snz#i love being the world's worst partner lmaoooo#i was actually vibing this time bc i didn't feel like ass#which is worse for everyone around me tbh bc I'm very annoying and i know this#and I've had the jardiance commercial song stucj in my head for months now#so you can imagine what i was humming to myself all day#that's my jam like i think I'm the only person who actually likes that commercial lmao#but my partner wasn't having any of it lmaoooo#i don't hum loud and it's usually at least somewhat loud but we sit right next to each other#so after the first few times it clicked and he looked at me and goes 'that better not be fucking jardiance'#and i confirmed it was and he groaned so loud like bro it ain't that deep lmao#but then he started tapping along with it so he couldn't have hated it that much#also i absentmindedly wiggle a little when I'm vibing with a song whether it's out loud or in my head#and i don't realize half the time but sometimes my partner starts doing some stupid little dance with me or attempts to make fun of me#most of my coworkers do that actually and i think that's iconic of all of us tbh#anyway i also always come prepped with stupid questions to pass the time#you know probably a red flag that i was doing none of this last time LMAO but oh well#today i asked if cheese is a loaf of milk which i asked out of nowhere when things were dead#and he was quiet for a few seconds before saying 'wtf is wrong with you' bc he couldn't think of an answer lmaoooo#i love the bullshit i get up to ahdkaksjak#also i am once again on call bc the entire state is On Fucking Fire so that's fun#partner posting
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Oh god. I have to see my family in three days
#if you guys start to see a spiraling mental breakdown starting on Christmas Eve#mind ya business#every time I see my siblings I just get more and more upset#and feel more and more bitter over my mother#it’s been 6 months since I last saw them#wonder how much has changed since then. wonder how much worse they are#also I’m worried my sister will bring her boyfriend to Christmas dinner#he’s like. fine I guess. the same kind of shitty as her but whatever#it was easier to ignore that I won’t ever be able to bring a partner when none of my siblings were old enough to do so#now that they ARE doing it. it makes it…. yeah#seeing my grandma interact with him and being happy and chatty#but knowing if I ever brought MY gf it would be a fucking disaster#unless I lied and said she was just a friend. which is shitty enough anyways#but wouldn’t even work my mom and aunt and sister would still make shitty snide comments when my grandparents weren’t around#ugh#I should stop thinking about this#I’m just making myself mad#kaz rambles
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seeing ppl shipping marcille n chilchuck just makes me. Okay this sucks man. Like these r the least 2 compatible Dungeon Meshi characters chilchuck is a full hater of magic and elves and shit and like. Yeah he can grow out of that but marcille should not have to deal with this idiot. He already lost one wife he doesn't need to be inflicted on more women
#As someone who's pro chilchuck. Leave marcille alone stay friends#Also I believe in lesbian marcille but that's secondary to the fact I feel like they have negative romantic chemistry#Plus marcille is such a romantic idealist and chilchuck is jaded in a way that doesn't feel like ''opposites attract'' but rather#Marcille tries to keep the relationship alive while chilchuck tries to pull away and neither of them can communicate w eachother#That plus the lifespan and arguably maturity differences would just add to the difficulty like. Yah ppl can grow past stuff and learn n shi#But also sometimes that learning is hard and doesn't work out and just leads to you hurting the ppl around you#Because change is scary. Anyway I just genuinely think chilchuck is good on his own! He should be friends will his wife and never date agai#Because I think he would be deeply unpleasant to be in any sort of romantic relationship with tbh#Revised a tag bc while marcille would bring up problems she would have trouble seeing things from chilchucks pov and cgilchuck would#Probably be dismissive bc he sees her as naive and he might be partially right but he'd struggle to be a decent partner bc of his pride#And also literally his wife left and he doesn't fucking know why. He just went damn... Ok... My bad. HELLO#This man is not communicating in a healthy way. Also while he shouldn't have to tell ppl his age and I don't think his secrecy and the way#He values his privacy is bad the fact that he's been working with the party for 4 yrs and it seems like none of them knew#HE HAD CHILDREN? speaks a lot about how secretive he is and I just genuinely don't think marcille would be able to deal with that#The most I can see for them is they try to have a relationship but they end up learning something Important Lessons and their friendship is#Still there but undeniably was strained and forever changed even if they reconcile and improve. 👍
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I just wish people liked being around me
#i feel so fucking lonely#like i was yalking to my friend who was talking about how he was imvited to go out tonight#and thats never happened to me#ive never been invited to places really#unless i kinda invite myself tbh#ive never gone to a bar and then gone to a second location#i just wanna have people who think pf me when theyre doing things#i want people to want me around#and is some of this the DID talking ?? yes#i have parts who mever get to do things like that for one reason pr another#i want people to think im cool in some regard or at least interesting enough to keep around#but no#im just here alone on a friday night and i couldnt go out cuz im sick#meanwhile my partner is sleeping over at a friends place cuz hey shes got a car and is good at people#she gets invited to things all the time and im so fucking burnt out from work that i never get to fucking do anything i hate this so much#i just feel so goddamn alone and unwanted#i know the latter isnt true but it sure fucking feels like it rn#and im gonna be even more isolated this summer since im working 2 jobs#and none of my close friends like to do anything interesting#im just so bored and stagnant and lonesome#i wish i coul sleep
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slowly realising that i genuinely don’t have any super close friends any more
#the closest friends i have are from my primary school#i haven’t seen any of them in months except for bella#who i saw for 15 minutes then had to leave#we don’t talk except for on a gc#and i have friends at school#just#none of them would think of me when asked who their closest friends are#i have friends#my friend group is huge#i’m just not really close with anybody#which is kind of weird to me because i have a constant need to be wanted#idk#this sounds so bitchy and self centred and selfish#but i sit at school and watch everybody walking around laughing about inside jokes and pulling each other aside for secret conversations#and i just feel like i’m missing out on so much#i’m sorry this sounds so bitchy#i should be happy jsut with having friends and having an incredible partner#i just feel like i am no one’s favourite person#and i feel like no one would tell people outside of school that ‘oh my god i have this really close friend alex and they’re like my bsf’#no one would say that about me#maybe it’s a good thing at this point#i have hurt and fucked up with nearly every single friendship i’ve ever had
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Have to thank my partner for realizing before I did that talking about kids with people makes me extremely dysphoric --- whereas I thought I just had a problem and hated children or something lol
#you can't really start a sentence with 'i don't hate children--' though.#do i... like them..? ehh they're fine on their own. i just don't like to be around them for very long. they freak me out.#but mostly it's parents who freak me out. or people who aren't parents yet but kids are all they talk about#(cough) my sister-in-law.#it's not ALL she talks about but she does happen to bring children up an awful lot around me. and uhh i have bad news for her.#anyway i feel like the worst person on earth but my gut reaction when i hear people talking about kids is to just get pissed off#or roll my eyes or want to leave the conversation STAT. like my flight instinct takes over.#so it was my partner who figured out that these conversations activate my dysphoria like a nuclear bomb.#dysphoria has manifested in the form of irritation for me this year. same with depression. i just feel angry and annoyed all the time#plus a bit of despair. and it gets more intense with every passing month.#my sister has decided to work in childcare and is doing a placement. she also updates me on every single thing she does in a day -#- down to how many times she shits. i wish i was kidding.#so i get a constant feed of what these random children did in a day (yesterday a girl showed my sister her poop lol)#and it would be funny and fine if it didn't make me want to jump out of my gd skin.#happens all the time at school too.#'whaaaaaaaat you don't want BAABIIEEES?? but you'd make such a good mom!!!'#ahaha No i would not thank you. jesus christ please no thank you. please.#i'm a father figure to a few of my friends and it's the best feeling in the world. that's all i need.#conversations like that always trap me. i feel like a fucking rabbit. stuck with all the aunties in the kitchen.#so i have to be a dick and not offer to clear the plates because none of the men are clearing the plates.#just........ Gender. UGH!!
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i don’t want to kill myself but looking at the future sometimes i feel like i have no other option. i fucked it up too far without anticipating consequences and it’s too late to make a change or strive towards any kind of hopeful meaningful existence. there is no way out for someone like me who has nothing going for them, squandered any opportunity, any talent, everything that was handed to them on a silver platter. no interesting personality traits, no aptitudes, nothing to make up for the gaping void where motivation and will to live and thrive and put in effort towards a goal should be. even the most basic steps are a pipe dream. i don’t want to die because i fear the possibility of hell but i no longer see any tolerable way of living.
#i reread parts of mark fisher’s capitalist realism last night and i know it’s unhealthy for theory to cement your own depressive spiral but#i’m thinking of him. even an accomplished thinker and it’s all the fucking same#i’m goinh to listen to swans and cry. i skipped class again and for fucking what#notice how it’s all i i i i i. i have no community no support network no close friends no partner nothing#only my parents who are affluent enough to support me financially but that support is conditional because if#they knew about what i was really like and even parts of my identity that support would be cut off and because i#have no marketable skills i would be left penniless to beg on the street#how long can i keep pretending to be cis and depending on them for vital necessities? until i’m 22? 25?#dropping out isn’t even an option because a bachelors’ degree is prerequisite to getting ANY job that pays above minimum wage but i#feel no passion for the subject i’m studying despite it being literally one of the only things i used to be GREAT at (media analysis; so —#lit major; on foundations for liberal arts; which should be all about PASSION FOR THE SUBJECT)#i’m teetering on the precipice of a steep cliff that drops down into the abyss of abject poverty with no way out#i don’t know what i enjoy doing; what to dedicate my resources and energy to; if i have none left. i don’t even smoke or drink or do drugs#it’s just sober suffering in silence. of course the meds don’t fucking help; meds can’t alter the world around us or our circumstances#this fucking close to going out and buying a rope. i have free will :)) hell can’t be real; it can’t be. worst that could#happen is reincarnation and honestly i could go for a second chance#jamie.txt#tw suicidal ideation
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Unintentional backhanded compliments are the funniest thing in the world to me
#me and my partner were talking about how i seem to make friends online easily but hers don't seem to stick around long#and the point she was trying to make was people only try to be friends with her cause they find her attractive...#whereas me and my friends have common interests#however the way she phrased it basically amounted to 'none of the people in your online circles find you fuckable'#needless to say i was laughing my ass off#mike rambles
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sighs, y'know I don't talk about it much on here, but I do wish fandom was....better. I wish it was better! I wish that there was an air of community again, where people aren't bullied, or compared to one another, where there's no sense of competition because everyone's gettin' attention. I wish artists (fanartists, writers, graphics and gifmakers and fanvidders and everything and everyone in between) were more appreciated. I wish people didn't have to use the block button so liberally. I wish fandom experiences were more positive, end of, because I am so....so tired of hearing absolute horror stories of how people I know have been treated in fandom, or hearing stuff in my periphery. I wish fandom was a celebration of love again, something that lasts for a good long while. I wish it could be a positive experience for people, instead of something awful that turns them away from stories that mean so much to them, because of the grief and bitterness and anxiety that fandom drowned it in.
#nym speaks#ignore me it's past my cut off time but#yeah.#it pains me so much to hear. and I hear more and more and more every year!#this isn't to say my experiences with fandom have been 100% positive#of course they haven't. you don't run away from your most beloved spin for a year straight bc of intense anxiety‚ if you've had a positive#experience.#but....but the stories that I love.#there are ones that are just - again I'm getting poetic here allow me this - important to my self mythology. they're mine they're close to#my heart they've given me comfort on the bad days (dw‚ mk)#but. but sw.#(more accurately‚ but /poe/)#I wouldn't know any of my current friends. if I hadn't stuck around in the SW fandom in 2015.#literally *none* of them.#I would still be in a not great friendship and thinking that was /normal/#I wouldn't know I'm autistic! or adhd!#or aro‚ maybe (Poe caused some confusion on that one so)#I wouldn't have my qpr partners. if it were not for those stories.#frankly if I hadn't fallen head over heels for a silly sarcastic pilot in December 2015 and it ignited all those autistic feelings I was#beginning to be taught to shove down — I rlly don't know if /I/ would be here.#not with how many damn ways it's been a bright comforting spot for me#or how it snowballed me into other interests that gave me something to look forward to even on my worst days!!!#and yeah there's some bad in there too but my god the good outweighs it So SO much#and it kills me that people have had that magic torn away from them. or beatened down. or that they've been told to shut up or or whatever.#cos everyone deserves to be touched by that positive wonderful lovely magic of a story truly deeply resonating with you#and for it to not only become a safe haven for you but for it to build a community for you that is genuinely /kind/ and /welcoming/#and /sincere/#this is too many tags so I'm shutting up now.
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